You
by myLITTLEnekoSHIRO
Summary: 'Love the robe.' 'I will end you.' Just a bunch of snippets in the life of Shinji and Renji as a not-so-average Bleach couple
1. Chapter 1

**A/N: Hey all! So these "snippets" will range in length depending on what kind of idea I get. They can be bite-sized pieces like these or a mini series of a few chapters. If anyone of you like a specific short piece and want me to expand them into a story just let me know in the review, and I'll get to work on it. I just want a collection dedicated to a couple that people don't often think could've potentially happened (and oh what could have ensued if they had...)**

 **WARNING: swearing and mentions of butt stuff**

 **Enjoy!**

'You.' Shinji pointed accusingly. 'You left me. You have no idea what I've been through, what I've had to suffer. Being alone has toughened me to be cold and merciless. So if you think, for one second, that I will forgive you for abandoning me I'm sorry to burst your bubble, buddy. Shinji Hirako does not forgive and forget that easily.'

Renji raised an eyebrow. 'I just went to grab a cup of coffee…'

* * *

'High five.'

'Seriously? We just had the most mind-blowing sex ever and you want to high five about it?'

Renji blinked slowly. 'Yes…?'

'Marry me.'

* * *

'Y'know, what if Bruno Mars is a reincarnation of Michael Jackson? That MJ had to die in order for us to get Bruno Mars and appreciate his music?'

'Hm,' Shinji mused. 'that's an interesting way of looking at-'

'And then one day he's going to be all, "Syke! I'm actually Michael Jackson in disguise! I faked my own death so you all could throw me a fancy as fuck funeral for no reason so jokes on you for wasting your money!" before hip-thrusting and moonwalking away.'

Shinji sighed. 'You were so close…so close to proving you were actually sane…'

* * *

'Put your pinkie ring up to the…MOOD!' Renji belted, sliding across the master hotel suite in nothing but a pink bathrobe. 'Girl, whatcha tryna do? 24 karate magic in the aiiiir! Head to toe so clear!' He twirled around. 'Look out-!'

He stopped dead. Shinji grinned, leaning against the doorframe.

No, no, go on,' Shinji said, ushering with one hand. 'Glad you're enjoying the suite I booked.'

Renji glowered. 'Zip it, toothy.'

'Wrong lyrics by the way.'

'Shut up.'

'Love the robe.'

'I will end you.'

* * *

'Here. Lunch.' Renji tossed Shinji a paper bag.

Shinji opened the bag and gasped. 'Did you…?' He said tearfully. 'Did you tell them to take the tomatoes out of my sandwich?'

'Well, yeah, that's because you're allergic-HEY!'

'You do love me!' Shinji sobbed as he hugged Renji fiercely around the middle.

'That's because I don't want to take your sorry ass to a hospital! Now will you let go?!'

* * *

 **Rambling: (Premise is that Shinji is a kidnapper hired to hold Renji hostage. Might lead to a chapter on its own)**

'So,' Renji mused, scooting forward on his bound hands and feet. 'If you're a kidnapper, does that make me a kidnappee?'

'Shut up.'

\\\\\

'So when you had to fill out a form and mention your employment,' Renji asked. 'Do you, like, write down "kidnapper"? What category would that fall under? Would you be a temporary employee? Or a part-timer?'

Shinji turned to Hiyori. 'Can I gag him now?'

\\\\\

'So do you have any hobbies? Like, what do you do in your spare time? Do you play an instrument? You look like you play an instrument.'

Shinji looked at Renji. The two stared at each other for a long time.

'Trombone.'

\\\\\

'What's the best advice you ever received when you started kidnapping?'

'Don't talk to your hostage.'

'Oh.' Renji looked at his bound feet then back up. 'You're not very good at following advice, are you?'

\\\\\

'Have you ever killed anyone?'

'Not yet.'

'That's not very encouraging…'

\\\\\

'If you could be anything else other than a kidnapper what would you be?'

Shinji tapped his gun against his leg, ignoring Renji.

'Fine, fine. You don't have to answer me. I'll just have to keep talking to entertain myself until you say-'

'A florist.'

'Wow, really? That's so-'

'Now shut up.'

\\\\\

'What's going on?'

'You're getting out. Your dad paid your ransom. Hiyori will escort you out.'

'Really? Well, damn I'm kinda sad to go. We had some good times in this room.'

'No, we didn't.'

'I know, right? Listen, I don't do this much since I don't have a lot of friends but do you wanna hang out sometime? I mean, it's pretty lonely for me-'

'No.' Shinji pushed Renji out of the room.

'Hey! Hear me out! Look, I understand what it's like to be lonely. I've been lonely my entire life. It's hard for me to make friends because everyone sees me as that rich kid who is full of himself. Truth is all I want is a friend I can have fun with. And I know you've been lonely because being a kidnapper means you can't have friends. But I think you're a great guy, Shinji. And…I want to be your friend. So what do you say?'

Shinji slammed the door in his face.

'Aw, come on!' Renji huffed. Then a note slid out from under the door. He picked it up.

'"We're kidnapping the Sanderwicci girl tomorrow. We'll be at the clock tower at midnight",' Renji read aloud. Then he grinned and fist-bumped the door. 'I knew you were my friend!'

Hiyori wrinkled her nose behind him. 'Shinji wasn't kidding when he said you were weird,' she muttered.


	2. Chapter 2

**1/1/17: I accidentally called Grim Reapers Death Eaters. But I'm not really off the mark, eh?**

 **So this was a myth about a U2 concert but y'know, it wouldn't be a myth when it would come to these two**

Renji slow-clapped three times. 'Did you know,' he remarked. 'That every time I clap my hands, a child in Africa dies from starvation?'

Shinji looked up from his book. 'Then stop clapping, you idiot.'

* * *

'You know,' Renji wondered aloud. 'What if there is a parallel universe where we're all Grim Reapers ad fight ghosts that have gone bad before they eat humans? And we all have super cool samurai swords that have special powers!'

'Ha!' Shinji snorted. 'Sure. And there's a website where people write gay fanfiction about us shagging each other 24/7.'

* * *

'If I could have an America name, what do you think it would be?' Shinji asked.

Renji paused while unloading the dishwasher. He thought hard. 'I guess you'd be a Nate. You look like a Nate. Classy but a bit of a lad.'

'Hm. I wouldn't mind that.'

'What about me?'

'Oh, you're a Brad. Like, an American frat boy, smashing beer cans against your forehead, Alpha Pi Let's Get Wasted Brad.'

'…something tells me you've been meaning to say that for a long time and couldn't figure out how until now.'

* * *

 **We now return to the adventures of Shinji the kidnapper and Renji the kidnappee**

'What're we doing?' Renji asked.

'I'm on a mission. YOU are ruining the mission so shut up,' Shinji muttered.

Silence.

'Sorry,' Renji whispered.

\\\\\

'Who is he?' Love asked, pointing at Renji. 'New recruit?'

'Oh, I'm not a kidnapper,' Renji said bashfully. 'I used to be a kidnappee.'

'A what?'

'A kidnappee. Y'know, I was kidnapped but now I'm free but I just hang around for fun.'

'O-kay?' Love looked at Shinji.

Shinji shrugged. 'I always wanted a dog when I was a kid.'

\\\\\

'What's that?'

'A gun.'

What about that one?'

'Another gun.'

'Hey, you don't have to simplify things for me. I know what a gun is. I wanna know more than that.' Renji pointed to a bazooka. 'What's that?'

'A bigger gun.'

\\\\\

'Can I have a gun?' Renji asked.

'No.'

'How come?'

'It's dangerous.'

'Aw! You're worried about me, huh?'

'No. You'll kill me.'


	3. Chapter 3

**Yuri on Ice is one of the best romantic animes ever and NOBODY CAN CONVINCE ME OTHERWISE**

'You're mad,' Renji muttered.

'Come on! Have some faith! Victor and Yuri did it!' Shinji coaxed. 'Now skate towards me!'

Renji sighed. He started forward across the rink, and picked up speed as he headed towards Shinji. Shinji jumped at him. 'Shin-!'

'OW!'

 _CRASH!_

'Why'd you push me?' Renji cried out.

'You poked my eye!'

'That's because you-owwwww!'

'What's wrong?'

'I can't move my-owwwiee!'

'Shit. I'll call an ambulance.'

'"Victor and Yuri did it", you said.'

'You still want that ambulance?'

'Bite me.'

* * *

 **If Shinji and Renji had a kid and if that kid was Nel**

'Okay, I'm going out! How do I look?'

Shinji took a sip of his tea and looked up from book. And spat all of it on Renji who was sitting opposite him. 'What the hell is that?!'

'Daddy! It's a dress!' Nel twirled around in the backless black number.

Shinji looked her up and down. 'Where's the rest of it?!'

'But Dad said I could buy it!'

'Oh, did he?' Shinji turned on Renji, who was wiping tea out of his eyes, and gave him a sickly sweet smile. 'You got anything to add, _dear_?'

Renji smiled weakly. 'More tea, honey?'

* * *

'Don't forget to finish all your carrot sticks at snack time,' Shinji reminded, rewrapping the scarf around Nel's neck.

'And listen to your teacher,' Renji added, tucking her beanie over her ears. 'Oh! And…'

'Don't bite anyone,' Nel sighed. 'I'm five years old. I think I know better, Dad.'

'They grow up so fast,' Shinji said tearfully as they both waved to Nel. She waved back and joined the kids milling into the preschool.

'Yeah, I-oh my God…'

'What? What is it? Did we forget to give her the emergency mace spray?'

'No, look.'

'I don't…'

'That couple over there. The two gingers. They were whispering and pointing at us. I saw them doing that when we were saying bye to Nel. Can you believe it?'

'Renji, I don't follow...'

'Shinji, don't tell me you've never noticed how people stare at us when Nel is with us? You know, I'm not going to stand for it. Today is the day that I stand up for my rights.'

'I prefer if you smiled nicely and got back in the-Renji, get back here!'

'Excuse me,' Renji said stiffly. 'I couldn't help noticing that you were looking our way and I just wanted to set some things straight.'

'Oh, we were just-' the woman started.

'It is 2017, and it is perfectly acceptable for two men to love each other enough to raise a child together. So before you start spouting bullshit about how we are turning children gay, you should be ashamed of yourself for being so judgmental, and try to get to know a person before you decide who you think they should be.'

'I am so sorry,' Shinji blurted as he finally caught up. 'My husband sometimes believes he's the voice of reason. Excuse his delusions.'

The man raised an eyebrow. 'It's alright,' he replied coolly. 'My wife, Orihime, was just praising how you two are a such a sweet couple and raising such a beautiful girl. In fact, we were thinking of coming over to ask if we could arrange a playdate with our son.'

'Oh,' Renji said in a small voice. Shinji glared at him. 'Coffee?'


	4. Chapter 4

'You know what I don't get?' Renji remarked. 'Why do people say "single as a Pringle"? Pringles are anything but single. If anything, they're cheating on each other 24/7! "Oh, Bob, I love you!" "I love you too, Betty! Well, hello there, good lookin'. Wanna make-out?'

'Renji, stop making the chips make-out or you really will be single as a Pringle,' Shinji groaned.

* * *

'Shinji! Look, I got a fit bit watch!' Renji exclaimed.

Shinji looked up from his book. 'Well, guess that explains why my wallet feels lighter,' he said dryly.

* * *

'You know, you're always reading a book when I come in and have something to say,' Renji remarked.

'One of us has to look smart,' Shinji explained.

'HEY!'

* * *

'What're you always reading anyways?' Renji asked.

'I dunno. I just grab a prop and roll with it.'

'What is it today?'

Shinji looked at the cover. '"The Art of Acting",' he read.

* * *

'If I could have a spirit animal celebrity, who would it be?' Shinji asked.

'Meryl Streep,' Renji said without missing a beat.

'Which character?'

'Miranda Priestly.'

'…I can live with that.'

* * *

'Do you sometimes feel like you have an inner black girl?' Shinji asked.

'Girrllll,' Renji drawls and snaps his fingers in a Z formation.

Shinji stared at him.

'Too much?'

'You're lucky I ask these questions in the privacy of our home.'

* * *

 **We now return to the adventures of Shinji and Renji pretending to be adult parents for teenage Nel**

'Nel, we're being serious,' Shinji said gravely. 'I can't believe you tried to sneak out to this party.'

'You're grounded for a week,' Renji added, frowning at their scantily clad daughter.

Nel threw her hands up in the air. 'Seriously?!' she complained. 'You both knew who I was going with to this party and still said no! Have you two ever partied before?!'

'No,' Shinji said coldly.

'Yeah,' Renji chuckled simultaneously. They looked at each other with raised eyebrows.

'Well, I certainly haven't,' Shinji sniffed. 'Your Dad may have been a party animal but I knew when to listen to my parents.'

'Excuse me?' Renji said incredulously. 'This is coming from the same guy who wanted to fill his parents' jacuzzi with vodka and then proceed to cannonball into it from a diving board made of Styrofoam and beer cans?'

'WHAT?!' Nel said, her eyes popping out.

'That was supposed to be between you and me, Renji!' Shinji hissed.

'Or she can ask Grandma Hirako why there's a giant crack in the jacuzzi from where you tried to throw the grand piano-!'

'Would you like me to tell her the time you played the Bohemian Rhapsody, on butt bongos, on Ichigo's 21st birthday party in front of his parents?'

'We agreed that never happened!'

'Can I pretend this never happened?' Nel groaned.


End file.
